The Video

Watching the video tag by Dr Aizat...really touched me...
It reminds me of every minute that happenned to me after the result was announced....
It reminds of the tears I shed, the rationality & the strength that I need to pull out of me..
& at the same time, to pushed away all the emotional that fighting to rise inside of me...

After Dr Azarisman, held the list name up & said "this is the name of all the students"....

I straightaway...broke down,cover my face & cries uncontrollably on my seat...w/o a sound~
still remember, my right side was nazu (during the names being called out, we were holding hands) & on my left side - wahida...they did notice & was dumbstrucked..do no what to do...

Afterwards, I straightaway went out from back doors & in my mind at that time was...
"I need to breath fresh air from outside"......still in denial that all this happened to me...

I walked very fast...at the same time, I put up a smile on my face & congratulate everybody that I passed by...because I know they didnt know yet who was among them that couldnt make it....
& some of them even congratulate back to me...oh, I just smiled~

I walk faster & faster...I would just want to fine a place that nobody knows & I can cry my heart out...without seeing by anybody....."yes, in my big car -nazaria'... that I parked in hospital....So thats where im heading to...

without noticing that nazu was following right behind me...

I just noticed when she called my name.. But I just cant say 'go away' to her...
at that very instant minute that I realised I do need company, a shoulder to cry on & somebody that could hear what I wanna say without saying back anything to me...just listens~

We got into the car & cries. Nazu hugged me & she cries even worse than me...haha =P (she's goin to kill me if she knows i said this. I always luv u nazu)
& I still remember she said " Yana, ure the strongest person I have ever seen~

I told her, right now, i dont know what to do, I dont know what to expect, I dont know how to response, I felt sooo numb, everything becomes so unexpected & I need to plan everything up again - my study, my career & my family life.

And I said to her' U need to pass this exam & go home & take care of your dad. nazu's dad is not well right now. My prayer is always with them

Most important is, I dont know what to say to my family that raised me by their own hands & with the same hands they always pray for my success all this years....
Nazu just nodded her head...

And I told her, dont worry, I wont do stupid things & we laughed..haha
(thats the points where I realised the role of Iman & how easily we could glitch away from the straight path. Please protect me, my husband, my family, my lecturers & friends Ya Allah)

After everything cooled down, I called Prof Hamizah. She already expecting my calls.
There's inside of me, keep telling that. Stop crying. Tak guna nangis-nangis & lets plan for your 6months extension &held your head high~ Allah is always with you....

Me: Prof what should I do???
Prof: Where are you?? Please come to my room...

After that, I drove the car to JHC..bumped into few friends but thats where I put up back my smile, waved at them & head to Prof hamizah's room...

I told nazu, Its ok, she can go back to hostel. I promised to update her what Im doing. So we go separate ways after she sent me in front of Prof's room..Thank You nazu. I dont know what to do if you are not there....may Allah ease your life along the way till the end...

With prof....We discussed few things. I could tell by her face, Prof was in shocked. haha.
Later, prof zalina joined us. She hugged me. She was also speechless...
& said, ' kamu repeat bukan sbb tak pandai but the luck is not on your side'

But I still remember. I dont shed even a tear in front of Profs & when I met her. The first things I said was 'please help me to pass in 6 months time' with confidence & a smile....
At that time, I said to myself, I can take & face all this...

Allah only delay my success BUT He did not take away all the person I love in this world =)

That what makes me move forward...

That night, I made a decision to stay at prof's house because I know, If I stay in my room...
i could not move forward. I will stay in the bubbles of sadness as I could see my friends & I bet they will be lots of friends already waiting for me in my room..thank you sume =)

Sorry rumets & friends...I stay out from hostel because I want to be stronger & I dont want to show to u guys.. how weak&fragile I can be....
I received lots of SMS & doa...thank you to all~

I still remember, how I called my mom & break the news. And I said to them I really ok & will face the challenges that lies ahead of me...
I called my mother in law & my husband & said the same thing...
Because I know...If I can take this..All my family will be ok because they always support me =)

after 1month of holiday...

I still remember the first day I step back into UIA, when back into the same room...

I still remember, the next day, I went to see Dr Azarisman & reassured him Im ok & take things very well & eager to start my postings & graduate from UIA (not because I dislike UIA but I want to join my dear friends out there. Serve the ummah & be professional muslim doctors)

The very 1st step meeting the HODs
The very 1st step to HTAA & all the wards
The very 1st day I met back all the lecturers & show them everything was fine & I want to move forward...

Everything I did this 3 months is with positivities & always remember Allah is always with me. Alhamdulillah. Ya Allah, lend me your strength~

Teringat kisah di zaman nabi bagaimana mereka bersusah payah membangunkan Islam & setiap hari tidak pernah putus asa& tidak putus2 berdoa pada Allah...Again, please lend me your strength Ya Allah~

There is the ups & downs during past 3 months but its all come back how you perceived it...
Quote from cik fiza "life's tough, but im tougher"

In 5 years of medical school, I always support all the activities held by my batch & become the committees...So this is the very first, that I was left out & unable to join them. Only Allah knows how I felt....& even sad when their convocation around the corner...But Im always hepy for them. Yakinlah Allah sudah letakkan ganjaran masing2 pada tempatnye. My time will come. Please be patient. Live the best of what you have & say gratitude to Allah~

My very first step..really gives me the impact that I could never imagine before
& most important is....

This what makes who I am today~

But today, I cried effortlessly......
Ampunkan Aku Ya Allah tangisan ini bukan kerana tidak bersyukur padaMu, tetapi menangisi kelemahan diri~